Yes, who am I? Maybe not the easiest of questions. Sure I could give you the basics, my measures, description and all that. But it really would tell very little about me. We all develop from day to day and gain new experiences. I am very clear about my masochistic urges and I am driven by a never ending lust of going further. Going further into this wonderful world of pain and lust which I know is such a wonderful source of positive energy. Some of you may wonder if I am really sane while some will understand completely. Maybe you even share my passion for pain, submission and humiliation.
Many psychologists have tried to explain why some people become masochists and one theory is that they have often been abused and brutalized as children. I can honestly say that I was never spanked as a child. On the contrary, my parents were very loving and caring and I had a wonderful childhood. Yet the fantasies came to me already at a tender age and they have continued to grow. As I was discovering my sexuality I found out what really fired me. Yes, I had experienced it already in school when I was playing Indians and Whites with the boys. Somehow Í always ended up as a victim, tied to the totem pole to be tortured... While most of the boys thought of it as nothing more than a fun game I was very aroused by it. I found it exciting, although I had yet to learn about my sexuality. After I had lost my virginity and advancing further I soon realized that having vanilla sex did nothing for me. Neither did I have the courage to tell my partner what I really wanted out of fear that he would not understand and even find me disgusting. Sure it takes two to tango and I did my best to comply. But eventually I found out that this was such a profound part of my identity that I could not ignore it.
I searched for many years, going from one mundane relationship to another. In the process I was developing a sexual coldness which did not really help me much. When I finally took the step to start looking actively for a dominant partner I realized how difficult it really is to find the right person. All these bdsm clubs and forums seemed to preach a truth that did not apply to me. I felt it was more about a kink and about roleplays than living out your lusts, letting the positive energy flow through you. Some time during this time I started to experiment with self punishments actively. Yes, I had done this already as a child without knowing what it was in it that attracted me. I found out the direct physical effect which pain had on me and I realized that some day I simply had to meet the man who would understand me. Entering the relationship with my match.
It took several years but it finally happened. Believe it or not but Master and I first met each other at the supermarket and it took years before we finally got together. Then we realized how all of a sudden everything fell into place. We gelled tremendously well and finally we had both met our match.
Yes, I am owned today. Our relationship is a bit special as Master is away for long periods travelling because of his work. This make our meetings very intense. During his abscence I have to rely on self punishments to a great degree and he often gives me orders to carry out. I also love putting my fantasies down in words and I must say that what really sparked my interest for the man who was to be my Master was, apart from his naturally dominant aura, his wonderful way with words. The right way to my heart and my body is being able to use your language in a creative and exciting way. That is why I prefer to read exciting texts instead of watching explicit photos of various scenes. It is about the same difference as listening to the radio versus watching TV. While TV is a very direct media which leaves nothing to the imagination radio sparks your fantasy in a totally different way. It makes you visualize and creating mental pictures.
I think imagination is a wonderful thing and without it how could we even go further. No matter where you stand today just imagine what it is you want from life. Whom you want. It may be real before you know it.