Some thoughts on d/s relationships

One of my Facebook friends, the lovely Miss Kelsie of San Francisco, California has been kind enough to share her thoughts on d/s relationships. Thank you, Miss Kelsie. And naturally all your comments on this are welcome. The following text is by Miss Kelsie.

I am a Domme, but have been a sub in the past. I know what is like to choose to submit to another woman, as well as what it is like to provide another woman with the discipline and direction she desires.

Domination and submission provide exciting play for many of us. But what sometimes get lost in the play are the ideas that should guide the interactions between the Domme and her sub.

To the sub, the discipline required by her Domme should be a source of comfort, confidence, and strength. You may have had a bad day at work. Perhaps others are not being nice to you. But a sub can always point to the tasks she has carried out for her Domme with pride. “Today was horrible at work, but at least I was able to succeed in serving my Mistress.” By carrying out her mistresses orders (no matter how demeaning those orders might sound to others), a sub is building her confidence that she really can do something right.

Some subs are powerful executives who choose to submit as a stress relief and because they feel the calling. Other subs wander as they look to make their way in life. By choosing to submit and giving the Domme control over part of her life, a sub is freeing herself up to do better job in the rest of her world with her school, work, and friends. Her need for solidity, discipline, and achievement will be met by successfully carrying out her Dom’s instructions. Given this solidity, the subs will be better able to deal with the uncertainties and difficulties she will face in the rest of their lives.

Some think of the Domme as being mean to the sub. That is far from the truth. The best Dommes care for their subs and want them to be happy and lead successful lives. Dommes provide their subs with discipline and order. It is true that many of the demands Dommes make upon their sub will be embarrassing, humiliating, or painful. But the point is not that the Domme is doing mean things to the sub. The point is that the sub is choosing to submit to someone she respects and who she thinks can provide her with the guidance and discipline that will make the rest of her life better.

I believe domination and submission works better in the electronic world than in the physical world. In the physical world nothing is ever perfect. Like watching a movie made from a book you loved, physical domination doesn’t turn out to be exactly what you had pictured it being in your mind.

Online, your Domme and your sub are exactly what you want them to be. The play becomes ideal. If you are the Domme you imagine your instructions being followed in the manner which gives you the most pleasure. If you are a sub you imagine the perfect Domme guiding your actions. No real world Domme or subs could ever live up the ideals in people’s minds.

For this reason, I do not confuse the physical and online worlds. I do no physical meets, no webcams, and no phone calls. Doing these confuses the purity available online with the less perfect reality of the physical world.

Also, the Domme should remain a mystery to her subs. Familiarity breeds contempt. Both the Domme role and the sub role should be valued and respected, but they are different. It is perfectly reasonable for the Domme to demand intimate details of the sub’s life. The Domme requires this knowledge to fine tune her orders to her sub. But it is highly inappropriate for the sub to request the same of her Dom. If she does so she will begin to see the Domme as her pal, rather than as someone who rightly can and should provide the sub with the discipline she craves in her life.

The relationship between a sub and her Domme is a private one. There will be no sharing with others on facebook or elsewhere what happens between the two. This intimate relationship is for their pleasure, not the world’s entertainment.
Miss Kelsey